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author: Gay Girl Revolution
Yesterday was a tough day for you. That time you spent in the bathroom will forever remain in your memory.
You made your admission, to yourself. It was in your head before, but yesterday felt like your first real recognition of it. You held on to that sink so tightly as you leaned over it. You faced yourself in the mirror that hung above it. The sink held you up as your knees weakened. Your grip got tighter, your stare more intense. You felt like you were looking into your heart, your soul. You stared for what like felt like hours but was only seconds. You hardly blinked. Then the tears came. I am gay. You sobbed aloud. Your posture slumped as you heard those words over and over in your head. What are you going to do? you asked yourself. The sink caught your tears. You werent expecting an answer.
Panic set in. It overwhelmed you. It was a feeling of loss. All the things you thought you would never have raced through your head; the wedding, the spouse, the family, the children, the home. You thought you would never have the life that you could see everyone else living. You were different and you acknowledged it yesterday. How were you going to carry this secret forever? How were you going live a lie? You felt so alone. This would never be a part of you. You thought you couldnt do it. Why you?
You will look back in time. You will wonder, were you talking to yourself in that mirror, or was your ego talking to you. You know that part of you that wants to fit in with society and feels safe when it thinks youre just like everyone else?
It all makes sense to you now. The haircuts, the soccer, the hanging with the boys, the anxiety around girls, the aversion to dresses, the dislike of dolls, the love of He-Man, that particular teacher, that obsession with Madonna, those scrapes on your knees, no interest in make-up, no dreams of your wedding.
I know you acknowledged it over the sink yesterday, but you havent accepted it yet. That will come later. But you will accept it. Youll even embrace it. You may not believe that right now, but its all ahead of you. Youll fall in love. I know youll smile when I tell you shes beautiful. Youll fall in love a couple of times in fact. Each love will add to your life and help you learn things you never would have without their contribution. Be grateful for them and be grateful towards them.
You will make many gay friends. Some of them become your best friends. I know you dont know any gay people right now and thats scary but dont you worry, they come in abundance. You never lose your Libra love of the social life. Your twenties are colored by fun.
I know you wish you werent gay. I know you wish it wasnt happening to you. I know you feel hard done by. You learn in time that you dont really feel like that at all. Believe me when I tell you that you ultimately embrace who you are. Youll come to feel so proud and so strongly about it that it will pain you to hear of others going through what you went through and how you felt. You will make it part of your lifes work to help others accept and embrace every part of them. You come to see the good in it. You even make it your own.
I have to ask you something now. I need you to be brave. Look nowhere for strength but inside your heart. The strength is already there. You just need to look for it. When you find it, youll come out to your family and friends. Youre lucky. They already knew. Nothing changes, except how you feel about yourself. Its a weight lifted, a sense of freedom. Life no longer feels like a lie. You feel free. Its the last piece of the jigsaw. Youre now complete. Youll feel it.
In return, my promise to you is that; it does get better. My dear Robyn, it got better. Youre now twenty-nine. Youre now very happy. You never looked back. And you wouldnt change a thing.
Just remember. You are unique, theres only one of you. If you ever worry that you are different just think how boring it would be if we were all the same! You will take pride in expressing your individuality. Youll march in parades. You will fly the flag of pride. Youll witness States and Countries around the world embrace change and embrace equality. Youll do your bit. Youll be part of it. You may even marry and start a family some day. They are your choices. You lost nothing.
I hope you believe me. You just wait and see.
Come to the edge, he said. They said: We are afraid. Come to the edge, he said. They came. He pushed them and they flew.
- Guillaume Apollinaire
A Letter by Robyn Harper of www.GayGirlRevolution.com to her 15 Year Old Self.